Below, we’ve highlighted our top ways you can create the best website in the world.
1. Your logo needs to be ginormous
People don’t want to know about how you help them or what it is you do. They want to see your logo. But not only do they want to see your logo they want to see it ginormous. They want a virtual punch in the face with your logo. That’s what they want.
2. Hide your contact information
People love trying to find your contact details. It’s like an exciting treasure hunt, only without the treasure. Or the excitement.
3. Tell people every little detail of your life
Did you graduate in 1974 with a 2:2 degree in Geography? Does that fact have absolutely nothing to do with the products or services you offer? Great! Make sure you talk about it at great length on your website.
4. Tell people you’re professional AND friendly.
Because those two characteristics are never spoken about.
5. Add social media feeds to your website
Encourage people to click away from your website and see what their Auntie Michelle thinks about Brexit.
6. Make your text really small
Because magnifying glasses need to come back into fashion.
7. Have pop-ups everywhere
The goal of this is to continuously frustrate the hell out of people until they give you their email address. It’s the best way to build long-lasting relationships.
8. Stuff your keywords in (cabbages)
Where possible, cabbages, try to include your keywords cabbages, everywhere. Cabbages. Don’t worry about making it sound natural. Cabbages. Or even making sense at all. Cabbage.
9. All of your writing should be in third-person
Martin and Lyndsay recommend that you write everything in third-person. That’s because Martin and Lyndsay are superior beings who are too good to write their own content.
10. Use animation as much as possible
People love it when things move around and fly across the screen every few seconds. It’s very relaxing.
11. Make your buttons difficult to see
Don’t direct people clearly on your website with easy-to-use buttons, instead, have buttons that don’t look like buttons at all. Users love playing the ‘is that clickable?’ game.
12. Be vague about what you do
Don’t tell people what you do. Be vague. We don’t design websites. We offer web functionality and system solutions.
13. Write less than 100 words on every page
Make sure you provide very little information. People don’t read text these days anyway. Like you right now. Not reading this text. Nope. Still not reading. We can write anything we want here knowing full well you won’t read it. Cabbages. See.
14. Use cheesy stock photos everywhere
15. Offer a newsletter
Ask people to subscribe to your newsletter. Do not tell them what’s included. Don’t give them an incentive for subscribing. People just love the thrill of a newsletter.
16. Have a ‘Latest News’ page instead of a blog. But still call it a blog
When you have a blog, don’t provide helpful content. Instead, write about an award you just won. Or a new client you’ve landed. Or, if all else fails, write about that new office plant you’ve named Borris.
17. Make sure all of your images are 5000px in size
Huge images slow your website down. This is a good thing. People will wait in excited anticipation while your website loads.
18. Have a picture of yourself in front of a Lamborghini
Because everyone knows that guy is super awesome. If you don’t have a Lamborghini don’t worry, just use photoshop, it won’t look obvious at all.
19. Always use we rather than I
If there’s just you in your business, pretend you own a huge multinational company by using the word we instead of I. No one will ever know.
20. Use lots of different fonts
Inconsistency is key. Use lots of random fonts of all different sizes on different pages. And always include comic sans.
21. Use a hotmail/googlemail email address
For bonus points, use something fun like Lyndz69lolz@hotmail.co.uk
22. Hit the thesaurus
Don’t use simple, direct language. Instead, enthuse your assemblage with ornate language. It’ll make you look clever.
23. Celebrate when your website goes down
When your website goes down because it’s had too much traffic, celebrate your loss of sales. Tell everyone, my website went down because it was just so popular. Don’t bother changing your hosting provider.
24. Clickbait titles are awesome – this next point will literally change your life and make you cry
People love the disappointment of clicking on something only to realise the headline was pure bullshit. Like this blog post, for example.
25. Never include dates on your blog posts
People don’t want to know how up-to-date your blog posts are. It’s really fun guessing whether all the information is all relevant or not.
We had to include the date in this post – check it and you might see why 😉
Haha
Hilarious. Spewed my coffee all over my keyboard though so thanks for that 😉
I am a victim to some of these. 🙁
We’ve all been there before @misslaidlaw:disqus
Writing this reminded us not to do some of these too haha
Haha we’ve all got that first ever email account lying around somewhere!
Excellent advice, just the day for it too 😀
Thank you @torkild_smith:disqus I’m glad you enjoyed it 🙂
This is fantastic! #1 I’m kinda like, yeah I do that, then #2, wait… ohhhh satire… Fabulous! These are truly funny. 😀 I must admit, though, I was thinking seriously of taking the dates off of my blog because I update the info and am having these days to rehash old posts just to keep things going since I don’t have the time to post new stuff until I finally hire some help. 🙁